When Someone Tries Too Hard To Be the Straight CharacterSmileJustSmile
by sShadow
Summary: Two years in the near future, Kagura reaches the age of marriage. It is in Yato traditions to challenge the father to gain the hand of the daughter. However, since Umibouzu isn't much of a tradition follower, Kamui decides to take up the role... except for completely the wrong reasons... to destroy the Yorozuya. Arc 1 - When someone tries too hard to be the straight character...


**Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama, it is too awesome for me.**

**Of course this is continuing from one of my favorite arcs… the time skip arc!**

**Hot Kagura is awesome! Well…not really, it's a time skip… not from the time skip arc… but it's still a time skip… **

**What?**

**Anyways, this is two years later… that's right, two years later from the current period of time…**

**The loneliest people, are the kindest. The saddest people, smile the brightest. The most damaged people, are the wisest. Ahaha, I just want to post this here, don't ask me why, just don't.**

**Aru-yo aru-ne aru.**

**Chapter 1- If You Take the Straight Character Job Too Carefully, You Are Going To End Up Getting a Heart Attack.**

"Kagura-chan!" Shinpachi called, huffing and puffing from running, "wait! You just came back and you are leaving already?" he asked, accusation in his voice.

Kagura looked down, "Shinpachi…" she murmured, rubbing her arm, "it's a once in a life time experience that I cannot miss…"

"But Kagura-chan…" He started, but drifted off, "I understand… but… do you honestly have to waste so much money just to go eat off another planet for no reason?!" He yelled desperately, shaking her shoulders.

She had grown taller than him in the past two years, her face slimmer and her body… well…

"You are not a wart, are you? You have got to be a wart, should I slap you with a paper fan? Should I?" Shinpachi took out his paper fan and waved it in her face, and she in turn grabbed it and ripped it in half, "Tch, quit being jealous Shinpachi." She flipped her long pigtails and stuck out her lots-to-spare chest, smirking.

Shinpachi gagged at her, "as if I'd be jealous of that!" he shook his head and looked behind him, "Gin-san, say something!" he half-begged, exasperated at Kagura.

"Huh?" Gintoki took his pinky out of his ear and flicked it at an innocent passer-by, who looked at him in disgust. "Oh, yes, Kagura, buy those inflatable boobs for Shinpachi… you know how he is." He added in a whisper, the two of them looked over at Shinpachi and sighed, shrugging.

"That's not the point! You are missing the point! Both of you! What's your problem!? Why would I want those? Why?" Shinpachi screeched, covering Gintoki and Kagura in his spit.

The two sighed again and stared at him sympathetically, "It's okay Shinpachi, I'll try my best to get you those inflatable boobs."

Shinpachi was tearing his hair out.

Kagura walked around in her full space-alien-hunter-suit. Which consisted of a classic cloak and a helmet with goggles, just like her beloved Papi's. This often drew attention to her, not that she ever noticed.

The festival was in full blow, a series of fights broke out, providing entertainment and encouragement for more fights, which never ended on the planet. Bodies and death were too common, poverty and starvation stood on equal ground with the lavish lifestyles of the more successful Yatos. The umbrella-covered street swarmed with people, who flocked over the stands, drinking alcohol and fighting.

Kagura satisfied herself by settling in a small stand which served mainly egg on rice, she devoured bowl after bowl, it wasn't until the fourteenth bowl until she realized that another person beside her was eating equally as much as her. Taking this as a personal offense, she picked up her speed even further, consuming two bowls at once. The other person was not giving up either, matching her speed and increasing their own. Their race gained a couple of onlookers who gaped at the empty bowls of rice that now blocked half the street.

With a final burp, both collapsed and rested their heads on the counter.

"Not bad for a beginner." Kagura muttered, "but a long way to go before you can even begin to counter me, bastard." She turned her head to look at the person for the first time, and her eyes grew wide.

He smiled back at her, his eyes closed into semi circles, honestly, if they are closed all the time how can he see? How the hell does he walk around? Who the hell smiles like that? Huh? Huh?

"Ora ora, honestly, I'm at a lost for words, is this how you greet your dear Onii-chan?"

"What are you doing here?" She asked coldly, picking up her purplish blue umbrella.

"What a cold imouto-chan." He murmured, his voice drawling, "I heard that you were training with him for a while. Gained a bit of a reputation."

Kagura slipped off her seat and walked away without another word, leaving the man smiling by himself lying on the counter.

"Huh? I don't know anything that like this. Who is this?"

"Uh... Butthead." Kagura said, looking very serious.

"Quit playing around! What kind of parents would name their kid that?!" The large man squealed at her.

"Aru…let's not worry about such trivial details."

"TRIVIAL DETAILS?! How do you expect me to find people for you based on some picture if you don't even know their friggin name?!" He screamed, exasperated.

"Geez, you'll never find any good in life if you are so uptight about everything." She said, completely ignoring the man's point.

Two men rested on a table close to Kagura and the large man, they smirked and eyed Kagura, who took off her cloak.

"Pretty good material." One muttered, eyeing her chest.

"Heh." The other agreed.

"Is that so?" A third asked, startling the two, they looked over and saw the benign smiling face of Kamui.

"When did you get here?" Idiot who is about to be killed number one babbled.

Kamui looked over at him, "it's a fun festival." He commented.

"Ha? Whatcha talkin' 'bou ya punk? Wanna go die in a hole? Ya know who am I?" Idiot who is about to be killed number two rubbed his shiny bald head proudly, "Umibouzu, I'm the great Umibouzu who rules this galaxy as the strongest fighter, ya want a piece of me? Punk!"

"That so?" Kamui murmured, amusement sinking out of his smiling face.

In a flash, both men lay on the ground, unconscious. Kamui lowered his hand and kept on smiling, as though nothing happened.

He glanced across at Kagura's table, to find it deserted, "Ah, I lost sight of her." He tilted his head, "you should've just remained weak, I don't want to kill women." His eyes opened slightly, revealing ocean blue eyes that flared dangerously, "now I'm curious."

Kagura took fighting position at the man in front of her, who smiled and waved his hands.

"I'm not on orders from the Commander today, want to talk?" he suggested, holding out his hand.

Kagura shrugged and walked beside him, he was not that dangerous.

"You've gained quite a reputation, little girl." He said matter-of-factly.

Kagura looked at him and picked her nose, "You picking a fight? A fight? Huh?"

Abuto shook his hands, "No, no, I just thought that you should know that the Commander's been stalking you."

"Don't talk about such obvious things." She puffed, "I'm going to kill him one day."

Abuto laughed, "I admit that you almost killed me, but that's _almost._"

Kagura shot him a look, "Getting tired of wiping his ass yet?" she nudged him with her elbow, "wanna gang up on him with me?"

Abuto took a slight step away from him, meeting Kagura's confused gaze with his own sly one, "The Commander talks in his sleep."

"It's probably all killing people and stuff anyways." She said grudgingly, holding her fists tight beneath her cloak.

Abuto threw his head up and burst out laughing, he shook his head, "He's not very honest." He hinted at her, who pouted.

"I know that. The lying ***** ***** of a ***** *** that ***** **** and **** **** he should just ****** go to hell and ******. The next time he does anything I swear I'm gonna **** his ******* and ***** his ***** and then take his ****** and ******* it open." Abuto looked away, slightly green in the face.

"That's cruel," he finally said, "we are on vacation, nothing's going to happen. Even the commander wouldn't… well, maybe he would."

Kagura sighed, "why are you here anyways? Shouldn't you be baby-sitting him?"

Abuto tilted his head, "I have a favor to request from you."

Kagura looked at him for a while, "no." She said firmly before turning around.

The corner of Abuto's lips twitched, "wait, listen to what I have to say…"

"I should buy Sadaharu a souvenir… hm… would should I get him?"

"Wait! I'll buy you as much salty fish on rice as you want!" he called, causing Kagura to stop and grin back at him.

"Deal!"

"Oi! What's going on! Why am I, the main character only speaking for the second time in 1430 words? What has the world come to? Should I eliminate Kagura? Should I eliminate her and reclaim my position?"

"Gin-san! Calm down!" Shinpachi fanned Gin, who was ripping his hair out, "you have screen time now so quit making yourself look like an idiot!"

"Idiot? Is that the impression I give people? Do I need to change my character? A…all I n…need to do is find a t…t…time machine a…and…"

"Gin-san!"

Shinpachi's retort was interrupted by a series of banging of the door.

"Hai hai, coming!" he called, opening the door, "Yorozuya G- oh, it's Okita-san. Can I help you?"

Without bothering to look at Shinpachi, Okita Sougo drew in full breath and called, "China, china, marry me." He deadpanned, "let's go take our vows now."

"Huh? What? What's going on? Okita-san, are you alright?"

"Oh, Sochirou-kun, you will never get Kagura's heart in marriage, beat it!"

"Gin-san, you know about this?" Shinpachi asked, bewildered.

"Yes, he has been disrupting peace for the past two years. Geez Shinpachi, pay attention won't you?"

"What are you talking about? I'm the only one who's been paying attention for two years!"

"Never, I will be here again and again until my feelings are answered." Okita unsheathed his katana and took stance, at the same time, Gin also rose from the sofa in a lazy groan.

Shinpachi backed up slightly, he did not want to be caught up in this fight… "Hey, let's calm down here…"

"Now! Come at me, Sadaharu!" Okita yelled, though his voice was emotionless, and the white beast dog launched on him while Gin went to the kitchen to find his strawberry milk.

"Why? Why Sadaharu? Why did you two make that whole scene and then fight with Sadaharu? What's wrong with you? Why is it so hard to be the straight character?!" Once again, Shinpachi launched into his dialogue of a thousand 'why's, completely ignored by all other characters at present.

"You are good Sadaharu. You win this round, but I will come back tomorrow." Sougo said through Sadaharu's head, his voice muffled. Streams of blood flowed down his head as he sheathed his katana.

"Kagura should be back soon." Gintoki muttered lazily, throwing his empty strawberry milk carton aside.

"Gin-san, Kagura-chan's only been gone for five hours. There's no way she can be back yet." Shinpachi laughed.

"Yo, I'm back you good for nothings." The tall cloaked figure said, causing Shinpachi's mouth to drop open and eyes popping out.

"KA-KAGURA-CHAN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE?! DID YOU WASTE A WHOLE TICKET FOR FIVE HOURS?!"

"Shinpachi, you shouldn't call it waste, it was food."

"China, you are back. You should go back to that shitty planet of yours and die." Okita said impassively.

"DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY YOU WANT TO MARRY HER?!" Okita chose to ignore that.

Gintoki picked his nose and flicked it, "you should do your studies on Amantos a little better, Shinpachi-kun. All Yato women emit attractions to a specific type of men."

Kagura nodded, "My mother attracted men-who-were-most-likely-to-become-baldies-after-she-dies type."

"HOW IS THAT- huh?" Shinpachi turned his attention at the window, and opened it, his mouth dropped open once more as countless men dressed in black leather, holding whips and chains with ugly sleeping masks met him.

"Marry me Kagura-sama!"

"Me, Kagura-sama!"

"Let's elope to a happy life together!"

Shinpachi quickly shut the window and slid down it, wiping his forehead.

Kagura walked past him, conveniently stepping on his crotch and opened the window, "quit shutting the window Shinpachi, it's damn hot."

"T-then, t-take t-that cloak o-off!" Shinpachi gasped, not abandoning his position as straight-man even as he doubled over in pain.

"Oi! Die Kagura you bitch!"

"Yeah, stupid Amanto!"

The hollers of insults and rotten tomatoes flew through the window as soon as Kagura's face appeared.

Gintoki nodded, "yes Shinpachi-kun, Kagura emits pheromones that attract ugly-eye-mask-wearing-sadists-that-would-rather-die-than-admit-their-feelings-to-her-directly." Kagura flipped her hair and smiled at Shinpachi smugly.

"WHY ARE YOU LOOKING SO PROUD BECAUSE OF IT?! IS THAT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD ABOUT?! WHY AM I BEING LEFT BEHIND AGAIN?! DO YOU ALL HAVE WARTS? IS IT ALL WARTIHARU?!" Shinpachi revived, ignoring the pain from his crotch.

Meanwhile, the ugly-eye-mask-wearing-sadists-that-would-rather-die-than-admit-their-feelings-to-Kagura-directly group was being shot dead one by one by a purplish red umbrella from the roof of the Yorozuya Gin-chan headquarters.

"Abuto, add Okita Sougo to the To-Be-Painfully-Killed urgent+ list, right under megane-kun. 'Kay?" he said, smiling happily.

"Right, Commander, right."

CHAPTER-1 END.

Omake time!

"You know it really is difficult to fill word count." Shinpachi said, "but we did it! 2200 words!"

"Right, and these boobs are awesome!" Kagura exclaimed, poking at her chest.

"Kagura-chan, you shouldn't be doing this to yourself." Shinpachi sweat-dropped.

Kagura tilted her head, "quit being jealous Shinpachi! Just because you're as flat as a washboard!" She sniggered at him, pointing and chortling.

"Like I said, I don't need them! Nor do I want them! I don't have any use for them!"

Gintoki wagged his finger at him, "Shinpachi-kun, boobs have many uses, like the creation of strawberry milk."

"They do not!"

"They obviously do, or where do strawberry milk come from?"

"That's just artificial flavoring!"

Gintoki shuffled his pockets and pulled out an empty carton, "well, this proves it," he said, pointing at the pink cow, "just admit you are wrong, Shinpachi-kun, everyone makes mistakes. Well what do you know, 2300 words already. Good, word count met, let's go to sleep." He and Kagura changed quickly, taking turns to stand on the rather green Shinpachi's head before heading to bed.

Shinpachi stood there until chapter two.

**Were my character too OCC? Was it Kamui? I think it was him… **

**Darn it Kamui, darn it….**


End file.
